Mother of the Groom

Mother of the Groom -- for Better or Worse
by Mary Hartford, Grandcountyweddings.com

I recently became a Mother of the Groom (MOG), a position of less apparent rank than MOB. I was as inexperienced at this as my son was in his upcoming role the "day of". I had plenty of time to contemplate and prepare for this new experience but it still managed to ambush me. Experience is not always the kindest of teachers, but it is surely the best (old Spanish proverb).

LETTING GO
You've lain in bed worrying when he stayed out too late. You mourned when he moved out of your home and into his dorm room or first apartment. Now he's getting married. It seems so final. How can you prepare yourself for letting go of your son?
My catharsis in the weeks before Sam's wedding was to create a photo journal of his childhood. I don't do "scrap booking". Mine was simple and straightforward, but from the heart.
I used page protectors and a large ring binder with a clear plastic sleeve on the cover in which to insert a favorite photo of him. I copied pages from his baby book and representative photos of his childhood--from birth through adolescence and young adulthood--ending with his engagement photo. I included copies of other nostalgic photos--of houses we've lived in, family vacations, siblings and, to remind him that we were once young too, pictures of my husband and me from before Sam was born.
Compiling all these photos and memorabilia aroused a torrent of emotion that demanded to be shared. In a letter to Sam, I told of the passions, the lows and highs, and the conflicts and challenges I'd experienced raising him. When the realization hit that, although I'll always be his mother, my role as unsolicited advisor was about to change, I included some final free words of advice--especially some concerning the big step he was about to take. I sealed my letter in an envelope, marked it "personal" and slipped it into a pocket of the ring binder.
Finally, I added a section for Sam's bride, starting with a "Welcome to the Family" letter. Since not many of Sam's relatives could come to the wedding, I photocopied our photographs of the closest ones, including grandparents now deceased. In words and pictures, I acquainted her with distant aunts, uncles and cousins she has never met.
As I compiled Sam's history, I cried, I laughed, and I enjoyed my son's childhood all over again. When I was finished, I felt I was ready to watch him drive off with his mate after the ceremony.

OUT OF THE CORNER
My mother warned me. "Look for a corner to hide out in at the wedding, because you won't be important." As a four-time MOG, I figured she should know.
Although many of today's couples are planning and paying for their own weddings, it is customary for the groom's parents to host a rehearsal dinner. It can be very challenging to make arrangements from out-of-state. It was for us. The Internet is no help when there are no websites for restaurants and caterers in the area. We had no way to gauge the suitability of local venues without calling every one, so, with time running out, we recruited the bride's parents to help us.
In the end, a relative offered her home for the party and we bought the food and drinks, borrowed some grills, and catered a barbecue ourselves. Our goal was to provide simple food in a relaxed atmosphere. Since we couldn't take the leftovers back with us, we offered them to the hostess of the gift opening to be held on Sunday.
For me, hosting a rehearsal dinner provided a good chance to come out of the corner and meet my son's new family. Several times, as I introduced myself to people as "Sam’s Mother" I was corrected. "I know that," they said, "but what is your name? You do have your own identity you know."
Mother was right. As the MOG, I wasn't important.

MEMORY BACK UP
Anyone old enough to have a child of marriageable age is probably familiar with occasional memory lapses. Along with the already present stresses, traveling to an unfamiliar city and learning new faces and names can tax your mental equilibrium. A wise man said, "Memory is the thing you forget with," but there is something you can do to lessen the effects. Bring a bigger purse.
By taking a slightly larger purse, you have room for the items that you would surely need if you had forgotten them. I packed a small pair of scissors, tape, waterproof mascara and a sewing kit, but I forgot the most important item--tissues--much less the handkerchiefs I had planned to bring.
No matter how prepared you think you are, your heart will flip-flop when you see your son standing there awaiting his bride. There's no question, your little boy has stepped into manhood. Barring even a piece of toilet paper snatched from the ladies' room, you will surely be caught on videotape wiping your eyes and nose with your finger.
For me, the vows were the most emotionally perilous part of the ceremony but I had to get over it quickly. In a few minutes I was heading back down the aisle, trying to muster a smile for MOG photos.

CHOOSING THE MOG DRESS
Choosing your dress is a lonely chore. Your husband doesn't want to hear the details of your search, and you don't want him to know how much they cost.
The object of the MOG dress is not to embarrass your son or upstage his bride, although it is okay to compete with her mother. I decided that my dress should be attractive yet unpretentious. I wanted to avoid wearing red or white, and I resisted the urge to get something black and slinky, especially when I saw my rear view in the mirror. In the end, the color was determined by what was available--and that wasn't much because I found my dress in a resale shop. I chose a unique but affordable dress in a color and style that I thought looked appropriate for the occasion.
Although I had held my own "dress rehearsal", including shoes and undergarments, I wasn't critical enough. Somehow the neckline was much lower the day of the wedding than it had been when I bought it. Fortunately, in my larger purse, I had a sewing needle with thread the color of my dress, and I was able to avoid undue self-consciousness so I could spend my time worrying about other things.
As hard as I'd tried to look like the MOG, not everyone concurred with me. My dear father said, "No, you don't look like the MOG. You look like his sister"
Not that I believed him, but I accepted the compliment anyway.

MEETING THE MOB
Because Sam and his bride would be leaving for their honeymoon on Monday, we decided to come early rather than stay late. The extra days gave us a chance to spend time together in one place with all of our children, and to meet the bride's parents.
Just as Sam no doubt was anxious about meeting his future in-laws, we were a little apprehensive as well. Would we get along with them? Did we have anything in common? Did they like our son?
Of course they graciously invited us over for dinner and we got well acquainted with each other. Seize the opportunity to bond with the MOB because you will be emotional allies in a communion of tears on the "day of". And you will be sharing your children for the rest of your lives.

IMPROMPTU WEDDING ETIQUETTE
Perhaps you haven't been to many weddings. Maybe you haven't been to one in recent memory, or maybe, like me, you are a product of the rebellious baby-boomer generation and you don't handle tradition well. In any case, I can say from experience that you are wise to brush up on your wedding etiquette. As Oscar Wilde said, "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes."
There's a good chance that the bride and groom won't have a clue about the cake cutting and the best man won't know how to conduct a toast. An inexperienced DJ might be worse than unhelpful at making announcements, and the bride's mother could be knocking down her third Merlot at the other end of the hall during these special moments. The job of etiquette coach could be yours.
Be prepared. I wasn't.
It was time for the cake-cutting ceremony. My husband was goading me on. "Help them. Help them! They don't know what to do. Get up there. Go on."
I got up there but I drew a blank. With experience as a server, I had cut and served wedding cake many times, so that's the direction my advice, based on supposed knowledge and experience, took.
If I had put any forethought into it, I wouldn't have removed the miniature bride and groom from the cake. I would have remembered that the top layer is not cut, but saved for the first anniversary. I would have directed Sam and Kristin to hold the knife, his hand over hers, while photos were being taken, then to cut and feed the cake to each other. If my mind had been lucid, the entire humiliating episode, with me smack in the middle of it, wouldn't have been caught for eternity on videotape.

GAINING A DAUGHTER
It is commonly said that you're not losing a son, but gaining a daughter. What they don't say is that the bride is gaining another mother.
Somehow the MOG must walk a fine line between helpfulness and seeming to interfere or take over. There will be a multitude of last minute details to help with, so take your pick but avoid offering unwelcome suggestions and advice.
Maybe an adoptive parent feels the way I did about my future daughter. One of my greatest pleasures at the reception was talking with Kristin's aunt. Through her anecdotes I glimpsed a tiny bit of Kristin's life before my son entered into it. I gained another perspective on the woman he had married.
On Sunday, we gathered with Kristin's family for a brunch and gift opening. When Sam opened my gift to him he held it up for all to see. My oldest son called out, "It's the Owner's Manual!"
We all laughed, but after they returned from their honeymoon, Sam called to thank me for the "User's Manual" and the letter marked "personal". I had scored a hit with both. Kristin had cried when she read her section of the book. Maybe an adopted child feels the same way she did.

ROSES IN DECEMBER
Because my son and husband had taken digital photos and videotaped images of the ceremony and reception, our son's wedding lasted longer than a day for us. In the days and weeks after, I helped edit the videotape onto a DVD. The footage and soundtrack of the couple's first dance and the Father's Dance, were priceless. We also made a CD of the best photos, with captions, and sent these to grandparents and other close family members who couldn't attend, to the bride and groom and to their other parents.
It has been said "God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December". Because we knew that memories fail, we had captured the beautiful, the romantic, the emotional and the silly. We will have roses in December--and always.

The following is my mother's response after reading this article:

MY MOTHER RESPONDS
The actual quotation that I heard was "(The) Mother of the Groom should wear beige and sit behind a potted palm". You know me and there is no way I am going to wear beige anywhere especially to my son's wedding. I always wore what I wanted and only once did I get into trouble for selecting a dress the color that the MOB wanted to wear. Too bad for MOB.

There was only one time that I suggested something for the wedding and learned that MOG doesn't make suggestions. MOB (and her mother and sisters) has all the ideas and makes all the decisions. This is the time for MOG to head for the potted palm and stay there until the fur stops flying. Potted palms are sometimes a good thing.

At (your younger brother's) wedding I had a slightly higher status than MOG. You might call it MOG+. I was the seamstress who made the miniature bride's dress. That brought me a little closer to the inner circle but it didn't give me voting rights. I was often introduced as the seamstress to which I had to add "and MOG and proud of it".

Now that all our children are married, I can look back at five lovely weddings...five lovely couples. I have learned that it isn't the color of the dress or the cut of the shoes or the music that matters. What really matters is that the lovely couples stay married and make a life together until death do them part. Our children are doing so well. I am very, very proud of all of them.

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